*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
The days of good grammer has went
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
who did the taste test?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.