One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
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I am patiently waiting for your email
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Dietest Coke