Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I’m calling the cops.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared