[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.