[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS