Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
just got my engagement photos
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…