Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
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Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.