My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.