(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You Might Also Like
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.