Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin