Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.