whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
You Might Also Like
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.