Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL