If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Traveler’s camo
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?