Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?