the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore