Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!