[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?