sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
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Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
me adding lol on a serious message
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure