cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’d … I’d rather not.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops