Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Smells like a challenge to me
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.