A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Who called it baking and not making love