I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
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genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Breaking news:
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Nice try, poison.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire