[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“That’s what” – She
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.