Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
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On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?