Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
*watches the world burn*
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH