cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.