I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs