Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
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you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Saw your ex at the shops
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Just why bro?!
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch