then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
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Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
This is not me but this is me
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The opposite of Iceland is water water
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”