WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.