If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
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Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Jogging
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not