Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Whoa 😂
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.