no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
You Might Also Like
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick