They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight