Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.