Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
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I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit