Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
🏙👨🏼
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.