When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.