The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street