If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.