Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.