Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
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life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Dishonest mechanic?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one