The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*