People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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Breaking news:
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
And then there were 4