I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
<- sleeps well with others
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.