Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
that lip filler tho
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
plant them where lol
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My safe word is Worcestershire
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie