F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
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*jazz hands*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Oh hi lol
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed