Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
wishing you and yours all the best
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
me doing my best
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I would move hell over six inches for you
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]