YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too